I didn’t say anything because all could have thought to blurt out at that moment would have been something like “You think jokes about beating women are funny asshole?” Yes, it surely would have led to conflict.

As you so eloquently pointed out the situation needs to be handled calmly, intelligently and yes somewhat manipulatively. This is a skill I as of yet lack. I totally let passion and fire overwhelm me in such situations. I think though through writing about it, and with the help of friends like you:) I can learn to more intelligently and calmly speak out and in doing so perhaps have a greater effect and avoid violent conflict.

Thanks again! You’re the best!

One thing I have learned, at my advanced age, is that a great deal of the frustration in these situations is the knowledge that the offending recipient of your castigation will NOT be moved by a passionate display. The bully does NOT find himself moved when the victim cries and bleeds — he finds himself empowered; he GOT to you.

What DOES, more often, break through some tiny chink in the idiot-armor they wear — and this goes very far toward assuaging your own guilt in the possibility of remaining inactive and allows you to take total control of the situation, as pat is this may sound — is to very calmly and very succinctly state your point and then close the discussion COMPLETELY from your end.

I am a Taurus, I am Italian, and I am from Brooklyn. Under the right circumstances, the wrong glance can (and often does) set me in “rampage” mode. But it’s gotten me nowhere in more cases than not.

When you adopt a serious and perhaps even imperious tone, you turn the tables. “What you just said makes me so very uncomfortable and so very angry on so very many levels. I don’t even suggest you owe an apology to this woman and certainly not to me, but if I had advice to offer it would be that you take a good hard look at yourself to try to find the source of such ugliness and anger in hopes that perhaps in the future, when your insensitivity and ignorance could not just offend but get you beaten or end up in litigation, you might think twice or at least understand just what a breach of the social contract you’ve undertaken.”

And refuse to state another word on the subject.

If he tries to continue engaging you, you have risen above it — and you may have the extra fun of watching him stew and out of frustration make an ass of himself. It is further my experience that, in such instances when you have acted with such calm and tact, that even HIS backup crew will not allow any physical violence because they have just witnessed a very higher-order social cut-down that does not in any way welcome a physical reaction.

It really is kind of a trip when you master this sort of manipulation; it is truly harnessing a very powerful skill set for good.